Packing

I'm packing for our trip home to NC and although this is the 4th trip we have made since moving to Richmond in August, my mind still cannot grasp that I won't be seeing Papa when I get there.

It hits me out of the blue. Like this morning. I am packing clothes and I come across something that triggers bittersweet memories of the greatest man I have ever loved. And it hits me hard that AGAIN I will not see him this trip home.

I will make the painful journey to his grave. I will sit there alone and cry and smooth out his flowers. I will just sit and think about him.

The day Papa died, I asked my mom if I could have his hospital gown. Morbid right? But I wanted it. I wanted to have it. I don't know why. She washed it for me but I haven't had the courage to ask her for it yet. I want something of his to hold onto to. Something I can cry into. Am I crazy?

I love going home. I miss my family more than I ever thought I could but it is so painfully bittersweet to know that the one I loved most is not waiting on me by his door. He isn't going to be calling me ten times to see how far I have made it. He won't be sitting in his chair by the door with the curtains pulled back so he can see us the second we pull into his driveway. It stings to confront this reality.

The last few times home I go to Mama Jo's house and when no one is looking I bury my face into his chair cushion and I breathe in deeply. I smell him. And it is so comforting to have that scent. I dread the day I walk in and his scent is gone.

The last night before he was admitted to the hospital, I saw him last in that chair. He looked at me with his crystal blue eyes. I told him he was so handsome. We told each other goodbye. I kissed him and walked out of his home with the heaviest heart knowing the end was near but I had no idea it would be his last night at home and that in 5 days he would be gone forever. God, I miss him so much. I just miss him so much.

Dear Papa,
Its been 6 months. 6 months without you. Some days it is harder than ever before.
I miss my best friend. You visit me in my dreams and it is so wonderful when that happens. Help me get through this sadness. Its still so raw. I just want to hug you and make you laugh. I want to joke with you about how pathetic UNC is playing. I miss you. Everything about you. I never could have dreamed it would be this hard.
Love, #1