No more pain

My precious father in law is in no more pain. Although his freedom from pain means he is no longer here with us, we can rejoice because we know where is is and it is a much better place than we are.

We miss you already PawPaw.

A Father's Day to Reflect On

This Father's Day is going to be a hard one.

PawPaw Hanson, praise God, is back at his home. He stayed at Hospice for a week but he decided that he wanted to continue his Hospice care in the comfort of his own home, his own bed, his own chair. He has had a few bad days and eating has become harder to do but praise God, he is alive and he is at home and he will be cherished until God calls him home.

Papa Bud, gone from here but never far from my heart was a wonderful father figure to me.

My dad, whom I love very much, traveled a lot when I was a little girl. It was normal not to see him for weeks and months at a time. Papa Bud always made up for my dad's absence by being a DAD to me & Raini.

Whether it was fishing or grocery shopping, everything was fun with Papa Bud.

His sense of humor and dedication to me won me over from the very start. My earliest memories are of him holding me. He was my world.

My Dad and I get closer every year which is a blessing. I had a really hard time bonding with my Dad as a teen. I blamed him for not being there for me. It wasn't entirely his fault but as a teen I thought I knew everything. We are very close now and I can honestly say my Dad is one of my dearest friends.

But Papa Bud is set apart from every relationship in my life. He was, and is my gold star. Our bond was special and will be something I carry in my heart forever, until I see him again.

Yes, this Father's Day will be a hard one. A time of reflections, sadness and thankfulness for the wonderful men God has placed in my life.

Hurry.........

I am at the point of my pregnancy where I am miserable!

I cannot sleep at night. The heartburn is ridiculous. And I am HUGE.

People keep asking me for preggo pics but they are nuts if they think I am going to photograph myself this FAT.

I have about 11 more weeks. And it is hot. And its going to get hotter.

I need to be patient. But I am not a patient person. This is the part of pregnancy where you still have a long way to go but you are just uncomfortable enough to wish the next 10 or so weeks would fly by.

But I would be in major trouble if Baby Bean came now. First of all, she isn't ready. Second of all, besides baby clothes, I have NOTHING for her to sleep in, ride in, burp on, pee in, etc. NADA.

I gotta get going on buying some baby stuff!

Plus to add to the misery of what is already a difficult summer, one day after visiting us in Richmond my mom fell and shattered her knee cap. She is in surgery as we speak.

The feeling of helplessness in not being able to be there for my family is beyond measure. I HATE living so far from everyone!

Ok, enough of my gripe fest. I just needed to air out some of my frustrations!

Grief

Pawpaw in the yellow sweatshirt. 2006.

Pawpaw is not doing worse, but not doing better. He is in between life and death. The process is slow and painful. Not only for Pawpaw, but also for the ones by his side. Watching someone you love slip slowly away takes a special kind of love. Its gut wrenching but you do it anyway.

I remember sitting by Papa Bud as he died. Part of me wanted the process to hurry and be done with so he could rest in peace. Another part of me wanted to cling to him and never let him go.

The doctors are now saying Pawpaw has maybe 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago they said 2-4 months. It just seems unfair. Last year at this time, Pawpaw was playing golf every day the weather would let him and now he can barely talk. Cancer is cruel.

I read this a few months ago and it brought me a lot of comfort. I think I will share it with my sisters in laws when the time comes.

Grief is different for a follower of Christ. Even in the depths of sorrow, hope breathes. Hope that you will see your loved one again in heaven. Hope in God's capacity to infuse suffering with purpose. And hope that because of His healing power, your sorrow will not go on forever.~ Maureen Rank

Tomorrow marks 10 months since Papa Bud died. Almost an entire year has gone by. I miss him as much, if not even more, than I did in those first few weeks. But I continue to grieve with hope 1 Thess 4:13.

Baby Bean sono and Pawpaw update

Baby Bean 3 weeks ago

Baby Bean at our 20 week 3-D sono. She would not cooperate!

I have been really bad about not posting any sono pics of Baby Bean. She is such a squirmer that it is really difficult for the sono tech to get a good pic of her.

Here are two most recent shots.

It dawned on me that we had not even shared these with most family members.

I scanned a picture and sent it to John's phone while he was in WV with Pawpaw. I did not want to think that Pawpaw would never lay eyes on her, not even a sonogram. So John showed it to Pawpaw. I felt a little better knowing he had shared something in her little life.

The last 4 days have been really hard. Pawpaw is still in the hospital. We aren't sure yet if he will go to a Hospice home or if he will be able to go home and have a Hospice nurse tend to him.

Either way, we lose a little more of him each day. John came home with the kids yesterday and is just sick with guilt for not being able to stay longer.

Its totally sent me right back into the grief I felt when Papa Bud died.
It is also an eerily similar situation.
Papa Bud was also rushed to the hospital on a Saturday morning. We thought we might be able to get Papa Bud home for Hospice care. We didn't want him to die in the hospital. HE didn't want to die in the hospital.

But Papa Bud's condition worsened so quickly that there was no time to get him home. In a way, I am glad we didn't try. He was asleep the last two days of his life. Moving him would have caused so much unnecessary pain. We decided to just let him go in peace. It was the right choice.

And now, Pawpaw Hanson is faced with the same terrible choice.

We are trying to work it out with the kids schools to leave tomorrow to go to WV and be with our family while we wait for the inevitable. Tate still has several end of year testing and Chesterfield county is so strict about absences.
But its a choice we will make not the schools.

Still, it is so hard. John is going back no matter what tomorrow.

Me and the kids want to be with him.
With my anemia, I don't even know if I could make a 6 hour drive.

So much to pray about. Please keep us all in your prayers.

Tate & PawPaw last Saturday.

Tate & PawPaw in October....the cancer has depleted him physically, but cannot touch his soul.