Spring

Yesterday was a busy day spent going thru what seemed like a million boxes searching for my Easter decorations. (Thanks Mr. Movers).

I finally found them and realized that most of them won't be able to be displayed this year thanks in part to little Miss Karsen.

Most of my Easter decorations are very old and very fragile. Still, it is always fun going thru the boxes and rediscovering my spring treasures.

This is going to be our first official Easter in West Virginia (living here) but we have spent the majority of Easter's here since John & I married many years ago.

PawPaw Hanson, my father in law,  reminds me of spring. He loved nothing more than getting the entire family together for Easter brunch following church at the Marriott hotel in downtown Charleston. He always paid and he always loved seeing his little granddaughter's dressed in their frilliest finest. The last time I would see him would be the Easter trip home in  2010.

 

He was so sick. He had lost so much weight. His beautiful silver hair was gone thanks to the harsh chemo. He had every excuse NOT to want to go to church or to Easter dinner but he gathered all the strength he could and he went. Even though he had no appetite, he sat at the head of our table and he watched us all laughing, talking and enjoying ourselves. He probably knew this would be the last Easter he would preside over the large table. Maybe we knew too and just couldn't come to terms with it yet. It was a bittersweet day for us all.

This Easter has me missing him very much. He would have been delighted to see John move back home. He would have LOVED baby Karsen. He would have enjoyed watching Tate play spring baseball. He would be very proud to watch Justin playing basketball and he would have really been impressed with Jonathan's decision to enlist in the Air Force or Air Guard. He would have clapped the loudest at Ashton's upcoming dance recital.

It just isn't the same. In less than 1 year, our families lost both patriarchs. We are shattered and still trying to find our way in the new lives without them. Holidays are rough and I imagine they always will be. Easter and spring bring back so many memories of that last holiday spent with him. I am going to see if we call all go back to the Marriott this year in his honor.

A Poem for PawPaw Hanson

Where he is, is not here. And life has forever changed.

His chair still sits in his room, but empty and it's not the same.

We miss his laughter, and we miss his smile. The warmness that it gave.

A great man has left us for awhile, that we hope to see again someday.

The Last Easter with Pawpaw

Our Easter's for the most part have always belonged to West Virginia.

Our family would pile into our mini van and make the almost 4 hour journey up highway 77 to MawMaw & Pawpaw's house just outside of Charleston.

The Easter break was always more fun spent there.

The weather is always crisp and cool, and the entire weeks vacation would be spent on Mawmaw & PawPaw's front porch watching the kids play in the huge, green front yard.


My three very talented sister-in-laws plan a huge Easter egg hunt that even the big kids enjoy. Mawmaw always makes her delicious BBQ ribs (anything Mawmaw makes is delicious). Life just slows down for that week and we can relax and appreciate the joys of having a large family and extended family.


And on Easter morning, after the Easter Bunny has visited, we all get dressed in our Easter clothes and go to church as a very large family. We easily take up 3 pews and this always made Pawpaw smile. Pawpaw loved seeing his grandchildren dressed so nicely. He was a sucker for a pretty granddaughter in a poofy, Easter dress. He liked to show off his handsome bunch.



After services we race into downtown Charleston and enjoy an Easter brunch at the Embassy Suites. Pawpaw always insisted on paying for everybody (huge check as we always had at least 18 people but he insisted).


He would sit at the end of the very large table and smile over his large brood.

Last year's Easter was a rough one. Pawpaw was undergoing an extensive chemotherapy regime. He had lost so much weight and had very little energy. He could have easily skipped church and even the big meal at Embassy Suites. He had every right to given his condition. But he didn't. He got dressed and somehow found the energy to spend one last lovely Easter with his precious family.

No one said it at the time, but we all knew it would be our last Easter with him. We choked back tears when our visit came to an end. We all squeezed him extra tight. I didn't know at the time it would be the last time I saw him, but I hugged him extra long just in case.

Mawmaw and Pawpaw always stand in the driveway and wave us off as we leave. This last time we waved longer. We shared an incredible last Easter with an even more incredible man. We miss you, Pawpaw.

Lord, I Miss Them

I miss these men something powerful.

My grandfather & my father in law. Both gone within 9 months of each other. Its still so painful and there is an emptiness that will never be filled.

Their lives meant so much to so many, and I would give anything to be able to place Baby Karsen on their knees.

Lost

I was doing some after Christmas cleaning when I ran across a card someone had mailed my husband, John this summer after his father (PawPaw Hanson) died. It was a touching card from dear friends. It meant so much that they had mailed it.

On the front of a very beautifully illustrated scene of (ironically) a lighthouse read the words, "In the Loss of Your Father".

It made me think.

For one, when someone dies....we all say we "lost" him or her. But I know where PawPaw is. I don't believe he is "lost". I also know where Papa Bud is, he isn't "lost" either. I firmly believe they are in the hands of my God.

If anyone is "lost" during a loved ones death....it's the family members.

Even now, a year and a half from losing my rock, Papa Bud, some days I still feel so lost without him. Nothing is the same....not birthdays, holidays or even regular days. Everything I do I always think, "If only Papa could have been here", or "What would Papa say about this", or "I wonder what Papa would think....".

My entire family took two hard hits losing these wonderful men. And in a way, months later, we are all still "lost" trying to find our way around in a new life without them. Its hard. We are learning, surviving and appreciating our family even more than ever...but at times, we are lost.

Christmas Memories

So, this is my 2nd Christmas without Papa Bud. And our first Christmas without my husbands father, PawPaw.

I honestly don't know how we made it through the holidays last year. I felt so numb.

This year is brighter because of Karsen but it is still very sad because it is our first Christmas without PawPaw.

PawPaw loved Christmas. He loved decorating. He loved tinsel, he really loved tinsel!

While we were in Wva for Thanksgiving, John's mom gave us some of PawPaw's Christmas houses from his village.

PawPaw loved his Christmas village. The houses were from various stores (mainly Big Lots because PawPaw was also very frugal!) Every year he would line up tables in their home and create winter scenes.

MawMaw gave each child (they had 5 kids) several houses each. It makes me smile seeing them lit up. And even though I was never into Christmas houses/villages, I am now.

It's Time

Baby bean is ready to make her first appearance.

We are so ready for her. I am BEYOND ready. The last week has been a rough one.

But tonight I am getting ready to head to the hospital. I will update my readers as soon as I can.

How I wish Papa Bud and PawPaw were here to share in this joyous delivery.

This morning when I woke up, GHOST was on TV and it was the part where Sam tells Molly "It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you. "

Please pray for an easy delivery and a healthy mommy and baby.

God has truly blessed me with wonderful children, family and my cup runneth over. I miss those men so much and I am going to take the love I have for them with me into the delivery room.

Remember When.............

This is one of my most loved songs.



The lyrics, especially at this point in my life just relate to me so easily.

..........Remember when old ones died new were born
life was changed, disassembled, rearranged..........

Headed back to NC tomorrow for my last trip before the baby comes!

The Last 10 days.....

...have been so hard.

Watching my mother in law adjust to a new life without her partner of the last 57 years is heartbreaking.

We stayed with MaMa for over a week. She didn't want to be alone in her house. It was our honor to be able to do something so small for her.

PaPa's service was beautiful. He picked out the songs and they were uplifting.

The songs were "How Great Thou Art", and "It is Well with my Soul".

Psalm 23 was read and I reflected on how the verse says, "He restores my Soul...."

The grandsons carried Papa to his grave.

Two Air Force service men drove all the way from Ohio to present MawMaw with the American Flag. It was heart wrenching and heartwarming at the same time.

In less than a year my family has buried two of the greatest men, fathers, husbands and PaPa's I have ever known.

Both of these men loved their families, loved life and loved God. I know I will one day see them both again, but for now, it is hard to accept they are both gone.

No more pain

My precious father in law is in no more pain. Although his freedom from pain means he is no longer here with us, we can rejoice because we know where is is and it is a much better place than we are.

We miss you already PawPaw.

Grief

Pawpaw in the yellow sweatshirt. 2006.

Pawpaw is not doing worse, but not doing better. He is in between life and death. The process is slow and painful. Not only for Pawpaw, but also for the ones by his side. Watching someone you love slip slowly away takes a special kind of love. Its gut wrenching but you do it anyway.

I remember sitting by Papa Bud as he died. Part of me wanted the process to hurry and be done with so he could rest in peace. Another part of me wanted to cling to him and never let him go.

The doctors are now saying Pawpaw has maybe 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago they said 2-4 months. It just seems unfair. Last year at this time, Pawpaw was playing golf every day the weather would let him and now he can barely talk. Cancer is cruel.

I read this a few months ago and it brought me a lot of comfort. I think I will share it with my sisters in laws when the time comes.

Grief is different for a follower of Christ. Even in the depths of sorrow, hope breathes. Hope that you will see your loved one again in heaven. Hope in God's capacity to infuse suffering with purpose. And hope that because of His healing power, your sorrow will not go on forever.~ Maureen Rank

Tomorrow marks 10 months since Papa Bud died. Almost an entire year has gone by. I miss him as much, if not even more, than I did in those first few weeks. But I continue to grieve with hope 1 Thess 4:13.

Baby Bean sono and Pawpaw update

Baby Bean 3 weeks ago

Baby Bean at our 20 week 3-D sono. She would not cooperate!

I have been really bad about not posting any sono pics of Baby Bean. She is such a squirmer that it is really difficult for the sono tech to get a good pic of her.

Here are two most recent shots.

It dawned on me that we had not even shared these with most family members.

I scanned a picture and sent it to John's phone while he was in WV with Pawpaw. I did not want to think that Pawpaw would never lay eyes on her, not even a sonogram. So John showed it to Pawpaw. I felt a little better knowing he had shared something in her little life.

The last 4 days have been really hard. Pawpaw is still in the hospital. We aren't sure yet if he will go to a Hospice home or if he will be able to go home and have a Hospice nurse tend to him.

Either way, we lose a little more of him each day. John came home with the kids yesterday and is just sick with guilt for not being able to stay longer.

Its totally sent me right back into the grief I felt when Papa Bud died.
It is also an eerily similar situation.
Papa Bud was also rushed to the hospital on a Saturday morning. We thought we might be able to get Papa Bud home for Hospice care. We didn't want him to die in the hospital. HE didn't want to die in the hospital.

But Papa Bud's condition worsened so quickly that there was no time to get him home. In a way, I am glad we didn't try. He was asleep the last two days of his life. Moving him would have caused so much unnecessary pain. We decided to just let him go in peace. It was the right choice.

And now, Pawpaw Hanson is faced with the same terrible choice.

We are trying to work it out with the kids schools to leave tomorrow to go to WV and be with our family while we wait for the inevitable. Tate still has several end of year testing and Chesterfield county is so strict about absences.
But its a choice we will make not the schools.

Still, it is so hard. John is going back no matter what tomorrow.

Me and the kids want to be with him.
With my anemia, I don't even know if I could make a 6 hour drive.

So much to pray about. Please keep us all in your prayers.

Tate & PawPaw last Saturday.

Tate & PawPaw in October....the cancer has depleted him physically, but cannot touch his soul.