We are so ready for her. I am BEYOND ready. The last week has been a rough one.
But tonight I am getting ready to head to the hospital. I will update my readers as soon as I can.
How I wish Papa Bud and PawPaw were here to share in this joyous delivery.
This morning when I woke up, GHOST was on TV and it was the part where Sam tells Molly "It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you. "
Please pray for an easy delivery and a healthy mommy and baby.
God has truly blessed me with wonderful children, family and my cup runneth over. I miss those men so much and I am going to take the love I have for them with me into the delivery room.
If pro bass fishing had been around when he was younger, I believe he could have easily become a pro bass fisherman.
He loved nothing more than to pack a huge cooler of sandwiches, vienna sausages, beanie weenies and cokes and head to the lake for some bass fishing. Anytime I see a lake, a boat or a fish my mind instantly thinks of Papa Bud.
When Papa died last August, I asked the funeral director if they would save me his hospital gown. Maybe that was morbid, but I wanted to hold onto the last article of clothing that had touched his skin. My mom has kept the gown for the last year. We didn't really know what to do with it. So she cleaned it and kept it stored.
A few months ago it hit me what to do with the gown. I wanted her to take his gown and make part of it into a little cloth fish for me. And I knew when I went into labor, I could hold onto a part of Papa.
This week, she finally was able to get me my fish. It wasn't easy for her. Just holding that gown had to have been so hard. But the finished result is something I will literally take to my grave with me.
Its a cute little stuffed fish with blue eyes. Papa had the most incredible blue eyes. And when I go into labor and I am hurting, I will look at that little fish, I will touch the soft cloth that once was a gown that had covered my Papa Bud and I will gather strength from it. I will have a little part of Papa Bud with me.
I'm also taking a picture of Papa Bud and PawPaw Hanson into the delivery room to keep by my bedside. These two men are gone from our lives but will never be forgotten.
The picture is blurry because I have already packed my good camera into my hospital bag.
My bag is packed and I am ready to go. The only problem is Baby Bean is not ready to leave her nest.
I am miserable. Too preggers to be able to enjoy anything. Its been so hot here in Richmond that when I do go outside, I get very nauseous. I will be induced on 8/23 if she hasn't made an appearance yet. But I'm praying, praying hard, she comes sooner so that my family will be able to visit us. School starts in NC 2 weeks earlier than Virginia so timing is going to be everything.
I have also gained so much weight! I'm trying not to worry about it but I know I have my work cut out for me once Bean is here.
Before preggers, me in 2008
After becoming preggers, July 2010 8.5 months (I have a lot of weight to lose)
I am short, 5"4 and small boned so I have never been able to carry weight well. But I guess I can worry about that later. Now I just need to focus on Bean's arrival!
All I have left of Papa Bud is my memories and dreams. Over the last year, I have been lucky to have several very vivid dreams of him.
In most of the dreams, he is in the background. He isn't an integral part of the dream but I know he is there.
In one of my dreams, he spoke to me very clearly and it was his voice. That was a pretty great dream.
I have dreamed of him twice in the last week.
In the first dream, Papa Bud was holding a newborn baby bean---Karsen. He was smiling from ear to ear. I could see his pride. Papa always loved holding the new babies. He would hold them up like a baby Simba from the Lion King. In my dream, he didn't say anything. He just held her, looked at me and smiled.
In the second dream, we were sitting in someone's kitchen but I don't know where. He had his shirt off. He loved to go without a shirt in the summer. He was drinking coffee. I walked over to him and sat on his knee. I put my face into his shoulder and cried and I told him that living without him was heartbreaking. He looked right at me and simply said, "Don't". Papa hated crying. So even in my dreams he tells me not to cry. The dream ended after that.
This year has been so crazy. Nothing in my life resembles what was going on last year. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and pain, happiness and anticipation, love and loss and new beginnings. I miss him and the anniversary of his death is just weighing down on me so heavily. I am stuck here in Richmond waiting on Bean to arrive so not being able to be with my family right now for the first anniversary of his death is really hard.
I always knew losing him would be hard. I never considered living without him would be even harder.
Today's checkup revealed that she has dropped very low. I have a feeling she will be here towards the first part of August.
I am nervous, excited and very hopeful about the delivery.
It is still bittersweet that the two men who loved babies most in our family won't be there to welcome Bean home. I miss Papa Bud and PawPaw everyday.
It is just overwhelming at times to consider that my family, on both sides, has lost both patriarchs in less than a year.
This has been a busy month and after one more trip back to NC this week, after that I am home to nest. It still seems unreal that we are having a baby!
I am at the point of my pregnancy where I am miserable!
I cannot sleep at night. The heartburn is ridiculous. And I am HUGE.
People keep asking me for preggo pics but they are nuts if they think I am going to photograph myself this FAT.
I have about 11 more weeks. And it is hot. And its going to get hotter.
I need to be patient. But I am not a patient person. This is the part of pregnancy where you still have a long way to go but you are just uncomfortable enough to wish the next 10 or so weeks would fly by.
But I would be in major trouble if Baby Bean came now. First of all, she isn't ready. Second of all, besides baby clothes, I have NOTHING for her to sleep in, ride in, burp on, pee in, etc. NADA.
I gotta get going on buying some baby stuff!
Plus to add to the misery of what is already a difficult summer, one day after visiting us in Richmond my mom fell and shattered her knee cap. She is in surgery as we speak.
The feeling of helplessness in not being able to be there for my family is beyond measure. I HATE living so far from everyone!
Ok, enough of my gripe fest. I just needed to air out some of my frustrations!
Baby Bean at our 20 week 3-D sono. She would not cooperate!
I have been really bad about not posting any sono pics of Baby Bean. She is such a squirmer that it is really difficult for the sono tech to get a good pic of her.
Here are two most recent shots.
It dawned on me that we had not even shared these with most family members.
I scanned a picture and sent it to John's phone while he was in WV with Pawpaw. I did not want to think that Pawpaw would never lay eyes on her, not even a sonogram. So John showed it to Pawpaw. I felt a little better knowing he had shared something in her little life.
The last 4 days have been really hard. Pawpaw is still in the hospital. We aren't sure yet if he will go to a Hospice home or if he will be able to go home and have a Hospice nurse tend to him.
Either way, we lose a little more of him each day. John came home with the kids yesterday and is just sick with guilt for not being able to stay longer.
Its totally sent me right back into the grief I felt when Papa Bud died. It is also an eerily similar situation. Papa Bud was also rushed to the hospital on a Saturday morning. We thought we might be able to get Papa Bud home for Hospice care. We didn't want him to die in the hospital. HE didn't want to die in the hospital.
But Papa Bud's condition worsened so quickly that there was no time to get him home. In a way, I am glad we didn't try. He was asleep the last two days of his life. Moving him would have caused so much unnecessary pain. We decided to just let him go in peace. It was the right choice.
And now, Pawpaw Hanson is faced with the same terrible choice.
We are trying to work it out with the kids schools to leave tomorrow to go to WV and be with our family while we wait for the inevitable. Tate still has several end of year testing and Chesterfield county is so strict about absences. But its a choice we will make not the schools.
Still, it is so hard. John is going back no matter what tomorrow.
Me and the kids want to be with him. With my anemia, I don't even know if I could make a 6 hour drive.
So much to pray about. Please keep us all in your prayers.
Tate & PawPaw last Saturday.
Tate & PawPaw in October....the cancer has depleted him physically, but cannot touch his soul.
My dear father in law was rushed to the hospital on Saturday. John & the kids were already on there way to see him. Because of my anemia, I had stayed back in Richmond. Oh how I wish I had gone.
The news isn't good. Hospice is being called in. And on Wednesday, Pawpaw will either go home with the help of Hospice or he can go to the Hospice home in WV.
Either way, he is being sent home to die in peace and without pain. Surrounded by the love of a large family.
It's so similar to what happened to Papa almost 10 months ago. It just breaks my heart. It is almost like I am reliving Papa all over again. My sisters in laws are so wonderful and to know the pain they are going thru just kills me. They are so strong and have helped my mother in law in so many ways. Being so far away from them makes it worse. You feel helpless.
Baby Bean will never hear the laugh of her PawPaw Hanson. She will never squirm in his arms as he lays dozens of kisses on her. He will never be able to bribe her with candy or a dollar for a hug and kiss. So many moments I feel have been stolen by cancer.
He is surrounded by so much love as our family is quite large and just like Papa Bud, he is a blessed man. How many of us get to leave this earth surrounded by that much love? Love is all we will take with us. I just wanted a chance to say goodbye and it looks as if I will miss that moment. Baby Bean will miss every moment.
This is a picture of my bedroom from our home we sold in North Carolina.
We still have the bed though and this is where I have spent most of the last week.
I have been feeling very fatigued for the last month or so. Like unGodly tired. Like so tired its a chore to get up and use the restroom. Like so tired the best you can do is get the kids up in the morning and off to school and then go back to bed tired. Like so tired the amount of laundry I have growing downstairs is scary. Like so tired I cannot even remember the last time I mopped the kitchen.
Its depressing! I am normally OCD about my house being super clean. I love a clean house. But the truth is I haven't had the energy to truly clean in a long time. Its depressing to just be so tired and not doing anything. Nothing. The most I do lately is take a shower! My poor husband!
This week I learned I have developed anemia. Its actually pretty common around the 26th week of pregnancy. I will be taking extra supplements of iron and hopefully that will make me better. If not, I have to go for more testing which sucks.
Its good to have a name for what I'm going through and to know I'm not just being lazy or worse that I'm crazy. its also good to know that Baby Bean is doing wonderful!
So please keep me & Bean in your prayers and hopefully I will be back to somewhat normal soon! I have so much to do before Bean arrives!
Ok, I'm slowly adjusting to the fact that Baby Bean is a SHE.
It gets easier to accept when I find CUTE, VINTAGE girly outfits like these:
Imagine my delight when I discovered Belle Heir, a company that was created out of a love of fine vintage and in appreciation of the care, quality and attention to detail that once went into the construction of clothing.
The prices for these heirloom quality items are so reasonable!
I cannot wait to find Baby Bean a vintage outfit to wear home from the hospital!
Monday was my 20 week sonogram. I had to reschedule it a week out due to our trip back home over the Easter holiday.
While in NC, Raini and I went thrifting. I found the most INCREDIBLE vintage baby boy layette. We also found the cutest baby boy onesies. Everything was .99 or less so I had to buy it all.
I was so convinced Baby Bean was a boy. I even had his name picked out. Harrison Gentry Hanson and we would call him "Beau"
So imagine my surprise when the nice ultrasound lady told me we were having a GIRL.
Shock & Awe indeed.
First and foremost, my baby is healthy. So gender isn't a HUGE deal. I am blessed enough just to be able to be a mommy again.
But a girl!?!?! Oh my poor Ashton is going to have a hard time with that.
I feel dumb buying all those baby boy things. I should have waited!
So its back to the name drawing board.......
I am going to have a little girl! Yes, I am shocked but I know once I hold that precious pink bundle I will be in complete Awe!
At my appointment yesterday his little heartbeat per minute was around 150.
I am so nervous about this pregnancy and would appreciate your prayers.
For some reason, I cannot shake the feeling that something could go terribly wrong.
This baby means so much to me. He/she is due at around the one year anni of Papa's death. So this birth, this unexpected miraculous baby's birth, is going to bring so much joy into a family filled with so much sadness.
I am trying to trust God's will. I just pray that God's will for Baby Bean means a healthy baby.
Things like old baby cards, vintage planters, wrapping paper, rattles, baby books, blankets....I could go on and on!
So far for Baby Bean I have bought it (I think its a HIM) a baby book from the 1960's, an adorable vintage yellow baby blanket (SO SOFT), vintage baby rattles and even some old baby soap. I don't plan on using the soap on him, I just loved the little box it was in.
Scary soap
See, the box is much cuter.
This pregnancy has been HARD.
Nauseousness all day long. Even in my sleep. I have literally been holed up at home since New Years. Every time I go out, I get dizzy and feel like I'm going to chuck all over the place.
Friday night we tried to go out for dinner and halfway thru my meal I got sick and had to retreat to the car. By the time we got home I felt like I was going to pass out. It was scary.
It is depressing to be stuck at home and not having the energy to do the things I love such as clean my house, write on my blog and yard work.......I have tried all of the "home remedies" but so far no luck.
I go back to the Dr. on Wednesday so hopefully we can find out if its normal nauseousness or something I need to worry about.
But enough complaining. I have a little miracle baby growing inside of me that I cannot wait to meet. God, in His infinite wisdom trusts me a lot more than I trust myself by giving me another precious baby.
Speaking of babies, my oldest baby, Jonathan, turns 16 today.
Time has flown. I was a very young first time mother. Only 19 when he was born. Jon-Jon instantly became my best friend as we grew up together. Today I am proud to say, that he is a bright young man. A solid Christian and an honor roll student. I could not be more proud of this child!
Jon-Jon & Mommy 6 months old
Jon-Jon & Mommy age 6
Prayer request---I am traveling home to NC this weekend. Tate, my baby boy has an EEG scheduled for Friday. Prayers that his testing turns out OK and that he can be brought down on his seizure meds. Also prayers that I won't be too tired and nauseous during this trip home!
Baby Bean 3 weeks ago
