Gone

My  father died suddenly & unexpectedly on Sunday, August 30th. I'm still struggling to come to terms with this. With Papa Bud's death, there was time for a goodbye. But my dad died with little warning. I was hundreds of miles away. I didn't get to tell him goodbye.

The shock of his death has been jolting. My dad meant the world to me. As a teenager we certainly had our share of hiccups. But after my son was born my dad became a different person. He began to care more about being available to me and my sister. He became the family man we had always craved. As I got older, our relationship continued to strengthen. I could talk to my dad about anything and everything. He always listened. He never gave advice because we were so much alike more than likely I was already doing what he would have recommended.

I saw him 2 weeks before he died. I stopped by his house on our way home from the beach. We had just gotten the news that he had lung cancer and would need a PET scan and biopsy. He let my son Jonathan & I lay hands on him and pray. What a powerful moment. We all had tears in our eyes as we ended the prayer. I got one last hug, and we were gone. My last memory of him that day was that hug and him waving goodbye to me from his steps.

His surgery was a success and he was sent home to recover. He stayed with my aunt and two days later he couldn't breathe. He was rushed to the ER and after several hours he died.

I received his death certificate today. I wanted to know what time he died. For some reason, I needed this information. Closure. It's still so surreal to me. My dad was so much like me. We have the same personality and we both didn't take crap from anyone. Now what? His ashes are in my top drawer. I often sleep with his t shirt. I miss him. Not having any warning makes this terribly difficult to comprehend. It's like having the carpet pulled out from underneath you. I'm incredibly sad that this handsome, funny, loyal man is no longer here to love us. What a loss for this world that there is no Hoagie Ables in it.

My hope rests in heaven. He was a believer. I firmly hold strong to the hope of a future reunited with my dad and grandfather. Getting older is truly hard. To lose the people you love is so difficult.

It's been a minute.....

Hi. It's been a while, I know.

Life has a way of creating some pretty heavy ebbs and flow that can sometime take you out of the game.

Spring 2013 was absolutely brutal for my family. We had to deal with some serious teen angst issues that ripped my heart apart. I lost the will to be creative and crawled into a safe hole of my own emotions. Thankfully, things are much better now. We survived and my relationship with our teen is stronger than ever. But wow, that was a doozy. I will never take for granted my strong relationships with my children ever again.

When I started this blog in 2008, Facebook was a novelty. There wasn't an Instagram or Twitter. Blogs were blogs. Not so much now. Even some of my favorite bloggers have pulled the plug updating readers through other social media formats.

I thought about deleting my blog many times. But each time I was racked with guilt about closing a chapter of my life that had brought me so much joy.

And there are a lot of reflections recorded here that I need to keep close. When Papa Bud died, when Karsen was born. Many memories that make me smile (and cry) when I read them. Sort of like an online diary.

Since my last post, I now have two high school graduates. My oldest is a junior in college, still pre-med. I have a rising 9th and 7th grader this fall and Karsen will begin Kindergarten!

Life today vs. 2013 is pretty smooth sailing.

So, I'm still here. I guess I am tougher than I thought.