Dreaming.....................

All I have left of Papa Bud is my memories and dreams. Over the last year, I have been lucky to have several very vivid dreams of him.

In most of the dreams, he is in the background. He isn't an integral part of the dream but I know he is there.

In one of my dreams, he spoke to me very clearly and it was his voice. That was a pretty great dream.

I have dreamed of him twice in the last week.

In the first dream, Papa Bud was holding a newborn baby bean---Karsen. He was smiling from ear to ear. I could see his pride. Papa always loved holding the new babies. He would hold them up like a baby Simba from the Lion King. In my dream, he didn't say anything. He just held her, looked at me and smiled.

In the second dream, we were sitting in someone's kitchen but I don't know where. He had his shirt off. He loved to go without a shirt in the summer. He was drinking coffee. I walked over to him and sat on his knee. I put my face into his shoulder and cried and I told him that living without him was heartbreaking. He looked right at me and simply said, "Don't". Papa hated crying. So even in my dreams he tells me not to cry. The dream ended after that.

This year has been so crazy. Nothing in my life resembles what was going on last year. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and pain, happiness and anticipation, love and loss and new beginnings. I miss him and the anniversary of his death is just weighing down on me so heavily. I am stuck here in Richmond waiting on Bean to arrive so not being able to be with my family right now for the first anniversary of his death is really hard.

I always knew losing him would be hard. I never considered living without him would be even harder.