My Papa Bud

His hands are weathered by age. Diabetes and his heart disease have left them swollen and near useless. But when I think about my Papa Bud, my maternal grandfather, his hands are what I love most about him.

They are big for one thing. As a little girl I can remember reaching up for his hands and how they would swallow my tiny hand whole when he held them. It was comforting knowing that my big, strong grandfather loved me so much.

He calls me #1. I'm his first grandchild and he spoiled me rotten. To this day, besides my children, there is no one on this earth who I could love more.

He is the only man in my life to have never let me down. Ever.

He is the only person in my life who 'gets' me. He applauds my stubbornness. Almost sees it as a virtue. And we have a bond that transcends even my own understanding of love.

I lived with him for one year during high school. My grandmother was often out of town taking care of her elderly parents. So I decided to move in with Papa Bud. I would clean & cook for him. He would wake me up every morning for school with chocolate milk.

And even though he read my diary once and would sometimes slick his hair straight down the middle if he knew I was going on a date just to embarrass me, I loved that time in my life so much! Going to church with him, even going shopping with him were times I knew even at the age of 15 were to be treasured.

His health has slowly deteriorated. A man who worked outside in his yard when he wasn't earning a wage every day of his life can no longer walk to his mailbox.

His breathing is poor. His mobility gone. I am losing my Papa Bud. Diabetes and heart disease is taking him from me and my family in a slow, cruel, agonizing battle.

A few years ago, I bought him a journal. It was really a gift for me though at the time I didn't realize how much of a treasure it would become.



It asks him questions about his life. He filled it out and returned it to me within a week.

Along with the baby pictures of my children, it truly is one of my greatest possessions on earth.

When I read it, I laugh, I cry. I know what a treasure it is going to be to have this book with me when he no longer is.




Papa Bud is a very funny man. Some of the entries make me laugh. For example, he writes some good advice:

Never squat if you wear spurs.
Never sneeze if playing hide and seek.
Never drink from a creek unless you are upstream from the bull.
Keep your mouth closed if you are underwater.

I am not a emotional person for the most part, but something about Papa Bud makes me very emotional. It has always been like that. I love him something fierce.

I save all of his voice mails to my phone. Every time I hug him, I hold on a second longer just in case. I have done this even before he became ill.

This man has been a gift to me. And I am honestly not sure how I will be after he is gone.

The song Brad Paisley recorded a few years ago sums it up, "When I get to Where I'm Going". Especially this part:

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy

And he'll match me step for step

And I'll tell him how I missed him

Every minute since he left

Then I'll hug his neck

He wrote me a letter a few years ago. He knew I was having a hard time dealing with his illness.
This is what he wrote to me:

#1,

I am going to try and answer your letter.

You said one day I would not answer the phone.

That is right and the way it has to be but don't feel sorry for me.

It is OK to feel sad. You have to get the sadness out of your heart to make room for the happiness and pride to follow.

The pride and happy feeling when your kids do well. When they are baptized. When they graduate.

And most of all when you see your first grandchild!!! So don't feel sorry for me. I have had a wonderful life.

Kids, grandkids. The love of a great family.

I wouldn't trade places with the richest man alive.

I know where I will go and I will be happy there seeing all my loved ones again and others will follow.

So smile and as Raini always say, 'don't worry, be happy'.

Love you,

Papa Bud

I love you Papa Bud. Thank you for teaching me about life, love, true happiness and preparing my heart for a future that will one day have us reunited!

I love you! Your #1.