Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of what would become my last 5 days with Papa Bud.
That weekend started off very hard. On Friday, July 31st Papa had his final doctor's appointment. After his appointment, my mom called to tell me that they were arranging Hospice care for him. Just the sound of the word HOSPICE brought tears to my eyes. The end was coming.
We were in the process of selling our house and moving to Richmond and I was waiting for our realtor to come by and take pictures, so I couldn't rush over to Papa's house like I wanted to.
As soon as the realtor left, I rushed to Papa's house. When I stopped at the gas station for gas the song playing overhead was Brad Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going". The lump in my throat was growing larger. "I'm going to walk with my grandaddy"....... stuck in my head.
I found him in a confused state. He was sitting in his chair looking out of his window. I sat on the floor by his feet, holding his hand and just looking up at him. The love I felt for him that night was overwhelming, yet I did not know this would be his last night at his house, and the last time I would ever see him in his chair.
As I drove home that night, a rainbow appeared. Yet, it hadn't rained or stormed in our area. But that rainbow was huge and bright and reached beyond the sky it seemed. Following his death, I would see a rainbow every Friday evening for the next 3 weeks.
On Saturday, August 1st, Papa was rushed to the hospital. His Doctor had called with results of some blood work they had done. His kidneys were failing. When I arrived to the hospital, I didn't even realize we were on the hospice floor. But as soon as I walked into his room, I saw my mom's face, the pain etched onto it and I knew the news was not going to be good.
His kidneys were shutting down. He needed to be medicated for the amount of pain. To move him home, where he wanted to die would be difficult, painful and too much stress for him. He would die in that room.
That first night, I didn't want to leave him and I didn't until very late that night. He even was able to eat some of the grilled cheese I brought him. I watched him as he tore the sandwich with his hands and chewed it. It would be one of the last things he would eat. The next few days were hard for him. He was kept sedated because of the pain he was in. But he was able to tell us all goodbye. He knew. I remember the last time his watery blue eyes met mine, how he squeezed my hand. I wanted to go with him.
He held on for several days. And on the morning of August 5, 2009, the sweetest man ever to grace my life, left this earth. He left his broken body that had long stopped doing what he needed it to do to enjoy life. I have no doubt, NO DOUBT, he was met by a chorus of angels and family members who had traveled before him. I know he is happy. I know he doesn't miss me. I know he doesn't miss this earth. I know that where he is, is where I want to be someday too.
And that brings me comfort. It doesn't make the pain any easier but knowing that I can see him again does. His faith was solid. So, mine has to be also.
What I miss most is just knowing he isn't able to be here for me. Just a hug from him could do my broken spirit wonders. Just knowing HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME made my life easier. When you know someone loves you that much, life isn't as hard. Having him gone, the person who I knew loved me best, sucks.
In the weeks following his death, my grief was so consuming that I would wake up crying. Not wake up and then cry, but literally be awakened by my own crying in my sleep. I haven't done that in a long time but I do still cry when I think of him. I will miss him forever.
Karsen's birth almost a year to the date of his death is what saved me. I clung to the hope of her new life as a way to pull myself up. I truly feel she was sent to me from God as a way to move on. I don't think I would have fared so well if she had not come.
So, this time of the year--the transition from July to August always meets me with a heaviness in my heart. And I suppose it always will.
Dear Papa,
It's been 3 long years since that night in your house.
You were sitting in your chair. I was sitting on the floor looking up at you.
Pretty fitting since I looked up to you my whole life.
That night you told me you were going home soon and I knew what you meant.
I didn't want to accept it though. Some days I still can't accept it.
I pretend you are still here and I imagine what our conversations would be.
I know you would be calling everyday to see what little Karsen is doing next.
She is a funny baby. You would have enjoyed her so much.
This is a lot harder than what I had even tried to imagine it would be. Living without you. It's sad. Our family needs its biggest prankster.
I miss you, I hope you are proud of me. Keep visiting me in my dreams.
I will always love you,
#1
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