My entire world changed that summer. The grief of losing someone I needed so much rocked me to my very core. I experienced sadness and loss like I had never imagined. I knew it was going to be bad. And it still is on some days.
I still have the lip balm I used on his dry, cracked lips in his hospital room. The sponge we used to wet his mouth. These small items brought him comfort. I'm sure it also comforted him to see us around his bed.
Every now and then I watch that show on TLC "Long Island Medium" and I don't know if I believe in that it not. My faith tells me to be wary of things like that but a part of me wonders what would Papa tell me if he could. Would he be proud of me? Am I still his #1? Does he know how much of a difference he made in my life?
Four years ago Papa's health rapidly began declining mid July. Within a few weeks he would be gone. Seeing him sick had become so hard. His last fee years had been difficult. He was in congenital heart failure and it had robbed him of so many of his joys. I knew in my heart that this was going to be our last summer together. So, I made a point to visit him more. During the kids VBS that summer, I stayed with him each night. And after that I came over more to just talk to him. It doesn't erase my guilt of all the times before I had avoided seeing him because it was so hard seeing him struggle to walk, being short of breath. I have to live with that guilt now.
The last two weeks of July and early August will always be the worst memories of my life. I will never escape the pain and misery I feel when the weather gets hot and balmy. Humid. Even the air smells the same as it did during those weeks. And I hate it.
He loved summer though. He loved hot, sunny days. He loved his garden and tomatoes. He loves his flowers. He didn't like the cold the way I did so its a little ironic he passed away on one of the hottest days of the year.
Lord how I miss him.
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