Rear View Mirror

Our trip home to North Carolina was short and sweet.

Wayyy to short. Awfully sweet.

Karsen met her cousins and great Aunts, and she spent lots of time with Nanny while me & Raini shopped on Saturday. 48 hours later it was over and we were all back in Richmond.

Every time we leave its hard. We have all learned to push the tears way down deep until we are safely miles away. Then the tears fall. Quietly.

I watch my mom in the rear view mirror until I can see her no more. That's when my tears start. An ache in my throat as I leave because I want her to think I am being strong. The truth is I want to run to her and not let go. I want her to say "Don't leave, just stay here"!

I never, ever, ever thought I would live this far away from my family. We are such a close knit bunch and I make no apologies for that. Seeing my mom and Raini once or twice a month is just unfair.

Karsen not having a close relative living nearby to spoil her is heartbreaking. My boys have such a close relationship with my mom. Just like I had with Papa Bud and Moma Jo. Will Karsen ever have that too?

I also took Karsen to visit with Papa Bud. The flowers in the cemetery were all fall hue colored. The leaves were changing and the wind had a slight chill in it. Another season without him. The second fall with him there in that cemetery. It was hard, but not as hard as past visits. I am slowly healing. In some ways that makes me happy, but in other ways it makes me sad. I do not want to get used to him being there so much to the point that I don't cry when I visit. Does that make sense?

I am trying hard to adjust to this new life, new city, new home, new baby. It is overwhelming at times but I am grateful for God's assurances that life is ok and that it keeps moving. Even if its at a pace and sometimes directions that I don't like.

Karsen with Moma Jo

Karsen with my Dad