My little sister and mom surprised me and the kids with a quick 3 day trip to the beach. They knew that money was extra tight with Jonathan heading to the University of Charleston. So they graciously paid for our hotel room and gas.
We spent 3 glorious days at Holden Beach. We laughed, played in the sun and made wonderful memories. It was the first time we had all been to the beach together in over 10 years!
My mom even surprised me with a Sea Shell book my Papa Bud had given me over 30 years ago. I was determined to find a Sand Dollar. Something Papa Bud and I enjoyed looking together for. I searched, dug holes and walked endlessly searching for a Sand Dollar to no avail. On our way off the beach to head home, my mom looked down and found a dollar bill stuck in the sand. We figured that was Papa's funny way of showing us a sand dollar. That was his sense of humor. It made us smile.
Karsen and my mom
Last week we traveled home for a quick mini vacation. I will blog about that later.
The week was going great until I received a phone call.
"Larry Brown died this morning of a heart attack", my mom told me.
I was in shock. Instantly saddened. Tears instantly flowing.
I had just spoke to him on facebook last week for my birthday. He had told me "Happy Birthday Baby Girl".
Larry was our former town mayor in Kernersville. He was also a member of the NC House of Representatives. He gave over 30 years of his life to being a public servant.
He was perhaps, the most influential person I had ever known. I called him "pops'. We had a inside joke that we shared that he was secretly my father and my mom had kicked him to the curb. Of course, this was not true. Just light hearted fun but I loved him as though he was Pops. My mom and sister were also very close to him.
In 1997, my first husband abandoned me with a 3 year old Jonathan and 2 year old Justin --just 7 weeks before Christmas. Larry quietly gave me $100 dollars and refused a payback. He wanted my boys to have a nice Christmas. He would never let me tell anyone about this charitable donation because he didn't want people to think he did it for attention or for the wrong reasons.
He was always there ready to dispense sound advice to me. Whether it was about state funding for Jonathan's college or when I needed help writing letters to Senators about the housing crisis, I always knew I could turn to Larry for the best advice.
He was fiscally sound and despised wasted money. You could guarantee that if Larry was in charge of something, it would be done correctly and on budget. Even if you disagreed with him, he was a true southern gentleman. He worked tirelessly to improve the state of NC and the city of Kernersville.
He was up for re-election this May but lost on a 3 person primary ballot. It didn't help his district had been eliminated. I wrote to him and told him that God must have something bigger in store for him. I didn't know it would be Heaven. But that is where I am sure he is now.
I will miss you Larry. You were so much more than just a friend to me. You were family. you were "pops". My mom should have never kicked you to the curb because you were the finest person to grace our lives. We will miss you so much!
Saturday was a bittersweet day for me. A mixture of pride and sadness. Pride that my baby boy was headed to a private University. The recipient of a prestigious scholarship. All the hard work had paid off. Despite several moves, two of them to different states, he stayed the course.
Leaving him was hard. But leaving him in good hands makes it easier.
I am very proud. He was born to a teen mom. I was only 19 when he was born. My first marriage was rocky and at the age of 4, his father abandoned us for another woman who immediately became pregnant. A few years later that same man would have his parental rights terminated.
By all means this little boy should not have excelled but he did. And continues to do amazing things.
What I am most proud of his his conviction and sense of spirit. He does what is right most of the time and prides himself on having a strong character.
If he holds true to those traits, I have no doubt he will continue to be blessed by God in his amazing journey.
I love you Jon Jon! I will miss you but I know this is the right journey!
Isn't she beautiful? Her name is #4 Black Eyed Susan from the NASB Flower Series.
She is missing her hair ribbon, and her wig is a wreck. She also needs her sunflower retied to her gown. But her big, sweet beautiful brown eyes are so precious. And she is a rare "Judy Ann" version. I heart her.
Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of what would become my last 5 days with Papa Bud.
That weekend started off very hard. On Friday, July 31st Papa had his final doctor's appointment. After his appointment, my mom called to tell me that they were arranging Hospice care for him. Just the sound of the word HOSPICE brought tears to my eyes. The end was coming.
We were in the process of selling our house and moving to Richmond and I was waiting for our realtor to come by and take pictures, so I couldn't rush over to Papa's house like I wanted to.
As soon as the realtor left, I rushed to Papa's house. When
I stopped at the gas station for gas the song playing overhead was Brad
Paisley's "When I Get Where I'm Going". The lump in my throat was
growing larger. "I'm going to walk with my grandaddy"....... stuck in my head.
I found him in a confused state. He was sitting in his chair looking out of his window. I sat on the floor by his feet, holding his hand and just looking up at him. The love I felt for him that night was overwhelming, yet I did not know this would be his last night at his house, and the last time I would ever see him in his chair.
As I drove home that night, a rainbow appeared. Yet, it hadn't rained or stormed in our area. But that rainbow was huge and bright and reached beyond the sky it seemed. Following his death, I would see a rainbow every Friday evening for the next 3 weeks.
On Saturday, August 1st, Papa was rushed to the hospital. His Doctor had called with results of some blood work they had done. His kidneys were failing. When I arrived to the hospital, I didn't even realize we were on the hospice floor. But as soon as I walked into his room, I saw my mom's face, the pain etched onto it and I knew the news was not going to be good.
His kidneys were shutting down. He needed to be medicated for the amount of pain. To move him home, where he wanted to die would be difficult, painful and too much stress for him. He would die in that room.
That first night, I didn't want to leave him and I didn't until very late that night. He even was able to eat some of the grilled cheese I brought him. I watched him as he tore the sandwich with his hands and chewed it. It would be one of the last things he would eat. The next few days were hard for him. He was kept sedated because of the pain he was in. But he was able to tell us all goodbye. He knew. I remember the last time his watery blue eyes met mine, how he squeezed my hand. I wanted to go with him.
He held on for several days. And on the morning of August 5, 2009, the sweetest man ever to grace my life, left this earth. He left his broken body that had long stopped doing what he needed it to do to enjoy life. I have no doubt, NO DOUBT, he was met by a chorus of angels and family members who had traveled before him. I know he is happy. I know he doesn't miss me. I know he doesn't miss this earth. I know that where he is, is where I want to be someday too.
And that brings me comfort. It doesn't make the pain any easier but knowing that I can see him again does. His faith was solid. So, mine has to be also.
What I miss most is just knowing he isn't able to be here for me. Just a hug from him could do my broken spirit wonders. Just knowing HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME made my life easier. When you know someone loves you that much, life isn't as hard. Having him gone, the person who I knew loved me best, sucks.
In the weeks following his death, my grief was so consuming that I would wake up crying. Not wake up and then cry, but literally be awakened by my own crying in my sleep. I haven't done that in a long time but I do still cry when I think of him. I will miss him forever.
Karsen's birth almost a year to the date of his death is what saved me. I clung to the hope of her new life as a way to pull myself up. I truly feel she was sent to me from God as a way to move on. I don't think I would have fared so well if she had not come.
So, this time of the year--the transition from July to August always meets me with a heaviness in my heart. And I suppose it always will.
Dear Papa,
It's been 3 long years since that night in your house.
You were sitting in your chair. I was sitting on the floor looking up at you.
Pretty fitting since I looked up to you my whole life.
That night you told me you were going home soon and I knew what you meant.
I didn't want to accept it though. Some days I still can't accept it.
I pretend you are still here and I imagine what our conversations would be.
I know you would be calling everyday to see what little Karsen is doing next.
She is a funny baby. You would have enjoyed her so much.
This is a lot harder than what I had even tried to imagine it would be. Living without you. It's sad. Our family needs its biggest prankster.
I miss you, I hope you are proud of me. Keep visiting me in my dreams.
I will always love you,
#1
Little one keeps me on my toes. So much so, that my poor blog has suffered in my absence. The minute Karsen sees me sit down at my desk, she runs over and jumps into my lap and begins typing. She wins everytime. Hopefully, I will be able to post more once school begins. I miss writing!
It has been a busy, hot summer. Hard to believe we have lived in West Virginia for over a year!
We lost power for a week following the June 29 storm. Luckily, we were in North Carolina at the time but my husband and son, Jonathan had to come back to a darkened house & city.
Our upstairs air unit went out and that was stressful getting it replaced and then this week a man clearing the empty lots in our neighborhood ran under the internet lines and so we were without internet for 3 days....so its been busy.
Little one continues to grow and amaze me each day with her personality and growing vocabulary. She has a good sense of humor and loves to play. It is so much fun just watching her figure out things.
This month some of her big milestones were:
*tinkled in the potty
*says "No"
* Speaking short sentences like "I do it", or "Come here", and "I eat it", my favorite is "Hi, Mom" when she wakes up in the morning!
*Dressing her is becoming a challenge. She wants to pick out the outfit and then wants to dress herself. The outfit she always goes for is her poufy Easter dress from Aunt Barb. She gets so mad when I won't let her wear it to Wal Mart.
*She enjoys the water sprayground near our house and even went to Emeralde Pointe and braved the smaller water slides.
*She really enjoys going places. I love taking her home to North Carolina and letting her spend time with my mom, grandmother and sister. It is always hard to leave. And it hurts she doesn't know them the way my other kids do.
Everyday I look at her and I realize how God sent her to us specifically for healing.
He knew we would need someone very special to help us to move on after losing PawPaw and Papa Bud. She was such a shock and happy surprise.
I cannot imagine how hard life would have been facing that first year of Papa's death or enduring PawPaws brave fight with cancer that would kill him just 8 weeks before her birth without knowing that inside of me was growing a new life full of promise and wonder....she saved me.
A sad update, baby Patrick lost his battle with cancer 11 days ago. Please keep his family in your prayers. He was only 2 months older than Karsen.
I say this every month, but WOW. Time sure has flown since this sweet baby made her appearance in August of 2010.
Yesterday, June 24th was a hard day. It marked 2 years since PaPa Hanson had went to heaven.
It also meant that you were almost two years old. He missed meeting you on this earth by a mere 8 weeks.
It was a crushing blow losing him so close to your birth. I remember standing at his grave during his funeral and feeling you squirm around in my belly. The loss I felt for you was huge. You missed meeting two of the finest men ever put on this earth. I will tell you about them with every detail I can muster and somehow, you WILL know them!
When we ask you where PawPaw or Papa Bud are, you point to heaven and blow them kisses.
Looking back now, I can see your timing was perfect. How you healed some very broken hearts. Having you to look forward to made that summer bearable. You worn born just a few weeks after the one year anniversary of Papa Bud's death.
I have no doubt God sent you to us to heal our wounds of loss.
You are such a fun baby! Full of energy and life.
You say funny things like:
*I DO IT!
*MORE
*MAma MAma Mama Mama on and on you say it even as you are falling asleep.
You love puzzles:
You love to slide at the park. You even enjoyed the spray ground.
You are still our best shopper. You love going shopping but keeping you in the buggy or stroller is taking some imagination.
You love playing outside with chalk and just enjoying walks with your big brother, Jonathan or sitting in the pool with Ashton.
You are so active that it is hard for mommy to get onto the computer to blog anymore because you come and crawl up on my lap and push the buttons!
Your all time favorite movie is still Monster's Inc.
If I tell you to "scream like Boo" you do this:
So Cute.
You are loved by all who meet you sweet girl. And I have a feeling Papa Bud and PawPaw Hanson got a sneak peek of you from heaven on the day you joined us. Two more months and you will be 2! I love you so much!
Mommy
My first born is a high school graduate!
3 high schools in 4 years & 3 states. Not many kids could do that and still graduate in the top 100 of their class!
