Walking this path of grief set before me

Death has been swallowed up in victory.
Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?

1 Cor. 15:55

It's been one week since I lost Papa Bud.

I woke up this morning feeling like crap.

Maybe I'm still in shock. It all happened so fast.

One afternoon he is alive sitting in front of me, talking and laughing...and two weeks later he is dead and buried.

I had feared this day for years now. There were times when I would burst into tears at just the thought of losing him.

And now he is gone. It isn't a bad thought. It is our new reality.

Some of my friends cannot understand my grief. After all, he was only a grandfather. It isn't like I lost a parent or God forbid one of my children I am sure they are thinking.

They are clueless. My love for Papa Bud is as fierce and protective as the love I have for my children. And though I have been blessed with wonderful, loving parents----my love for Papa was in its own category.

I have lost someone whom I loved more than most things in this earth.

My heart feels lost. I miss him terribly.

Visiting his grave helps. It's nice to have a place where I can go and just let the tears fall.

But I know he isn't in the grave. Christ conquered the grave on Calvary. But even knowing that I still go to his grave. I think I've been at least 10 times now. And I know I will visit him there many, many more times in the days and months to follow.

I feel like my life has been changed into what will now be two distinct categories.... before Papa died and after Papa died.

I just miss him so much.

Today while I was cleaning out some old junk drawers, two birthday cards from 2007 and 2008 fell out.

They were from him. It was his handwriting on the envelopes. I just cried and held them close.




Papa,

I am missing you so much. And though you have planted the seed of hope inside my heart that we will one day be reunited, I am just plain miserable without you in my life.

If there was a hole I could crawl inside and just cry and scream my way out of this--I would. But I know I have to get a hold of my grief. Not grieve you like heathens would as Raini would say.

But its a lonely road without you in my life. I miss your voice, your hugs and seeing you sitting by the window when I would pull into your driveway. I miss you so much.

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