Letting Some Sadness Out

Grief is hard work. It comes at you in waves. Sometimes I am ok and the grief is tolerable. At those times, I can even clean my house up a bit. Maybe even shave my legs.

Other times, the grief is crushing down onto me. It makes me want to stay in bed all day with the covers drawn up over my head.

It hurts physically. Your head hurts, you feel nauseous. You are exhausted but sleep does not come.

Papa told me in a letter he wrote 9 years ago that "It is OK to feel sad. You have to get the sadness out of your heart to make room for the happiness and pride to follow."

Yes, even 9 years ago I was worried about losing him. Thank you God for those precious 9 years you gave me in between.

So, I am letting my sadness out. There is so much of it though. And just when I think I have let most of it out, more follows.

My strength in God is growing stronger as I learn to trust HIM with this grief. HE will lead me into better moments.

I hope one day when I look back on this time in my life, I can smile knowing that my Grandpa was loved so much as he began his journey HOME.

That we as a family rallied around his bedside, ever loyal and ready to stand by his bed no matter how long it took.

And that I was given the gift of a final goodbye. A lot of people do not get that last moment to say "I LOVE YOU. Thank you God for him telling me. He knew he was dying and he wanted everyone of us in his room so he could tell us he loved us and goodbye.

I went by Mama Jo's today (so strange not calling it Papa Bud's house).

She is remarkable. Even as her tears wet her face, I felt her strength. I love her so much.

I miss him so much.

Papa,

Help me let this sadness out so the happiness you so dearly treasured can come back in. I just MISS YOU SO MUCH. You are forever with me, in thought, prayer and precious memories.

I love you!
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